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Discipline that your parents dished out that you never agreed with
Topic Started: Oct 1 2013, 03:19 AM (1,885 Views)
* Ketchup Revenge
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"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the war room!"

Let's face it. Kids obviously don't like to be disciplined.

But are there any ways that your parents disciplined you, that you never agreed with, and still don't/or think that it actually damaged you as an adult/teen?

I have bad anxiety. I've learned to curve it, but it still effects me almost every day. My parents knew about my anxiety, and I honestly believe that my parents sending me to my room to "think about what I'd done" just made it that much worse. Being anxious constantly, I was already effected by thoughts of bad stuff that I'd done, and I really think that forcing me to think about it even more effected my attitude negatively.

My dad never let me take naps in "community areas" or when people were over the house. Therefore, now I can never fall asleep even in my own living room when I'm home alone.
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I have mixed feelings about physical discipline because of how I was brought up.

When my brother and I got into trouble, my dad would slap us or hit us, and if we resisted, he would hit us repeatedly with a belt until we stopped resisting and/or crying. He would get this wild, extremely frightening look in his eye while he was doing it, like he had completely lost his mind, but I know that he never did it out of hatred or anything like that. I remember being driven into the corner several times by him hitting me with a belt. He stopped doing it when I was around 15 or 16. He hasn't done is to my brother in years even though he's 15 now.

On one hand, I can see how the discipline worked - I was afraid to get into trouble and be hit, so I wasn't a troubled child at all. I always sought to please my parents and do my best at all times. However, I am also starting to see the negative side affects now that I am almost 20 looking back on it. I'm afraid of authoritative figures (bosses, teachers, professors, etc.) and always keep my mouth shut when I'm in those situations. I'm also afraid of physical altercations and am constantly "on edge." I feel like I probably have anxiety/depression to some extent, but that's probably from other things as well.

I love my dad, and he loves me. He's a really funny, goofy person - a lot like me - and only did what he did because that's how he was brought up, and that's what he knew worked. I don't have the best relationship with him, though. We don't talk about anything personal unless it's school. I usually just sit in my room all day when I'm living at my parents' house. I don't have a fantastic relationship with my mom either. I wish that my parents had incorporated a balance between discipline and being loving confidants.
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Buuberries
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No

My mum likes to tell my friends that I used to be a terror child from the age of 7-14. I used to get belted quite a lot. It's probably affected me in some way, but, whatever it is, it isn't noticable to me. I'm not really scared of my mum -- I'm pretty close to her -- or afraid about physical abuse or whatever. I was 17 the last time my mum tried to hit me (it was the first time in years from what I remember). I pissed her off somehow and she was about to hit me with a shoe, but I'd gone through puberty at this point and was physically stronger, so I kind of just grabbed the shoe in mid-air and pulled it away from her. We ended up laughing at that. I wouldn't say I'm totally against physical discipline, but there are definitely more effective ways.

I think the biggest impact on me was how I was extremely shy when I was young and my mum would always scold me for "being rude" when I wouldn't answer people if they were talking to me, so I kind of went into my teens feeling socially inadequate and s***. It wasn't until I was 19-20 when I was able to get over my shyness. This I don't agree with at all... assuming s*** and not getting to know what your child's really thinking/feeling.
Edited by Buuberries, Oct 1 2013, 04:16 AM.
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When I was growing up, I was physically disciplined when I had to be. My brother was as well too. I was hit with an umbrella at one point for coming home late. I was usually slapped, hit with a slipper, or at times a broom. I don't notice any negative affects for having been physically disciplined. My parents never went over board with it either or hurt me, but at times, I appreciate that they did it because it taught me how to have respect and be wary of my responsibilities.

They would always apologize afterwards and explain to me why they did it so that I didn't feel like they wanted to do it. My mom said she hated to do it, but felt it was necessary for me to learn. Once I got to around 11-12, they stopped with the physical discipline and scolded me.

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peep
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well at the time i didnt agree with any of it lol

but looking back the only thing i dont agree with now was soap in the mouth to get me to stop swearing, mainly because they didnt tell me why i should stop, they just said "thats a bad word, dont say it or we soap u". every other punishment had a clear purpose and i learned my lesson pretty much after the first time
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* Crashbreaka
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I got physically disciplined occasionally when I was a child, and I hated them for it. I don't see how it's a necessary form of discipline, especially in light of other methods. All it really did was drive me further to pick fights with other kids.
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Buuberries
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No

omg crash i cant imagine u pickin fites
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peep
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he used to hand out complimentary knuckle sandwiches, now he hands out complimentary welcome muffins to atone for the sins of his past

i never got in any physical fights but there have been kids i wanted to punch
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No

i got into loads

luckily i havent been in one in my adult life, although ive been tempted to punch a few people... one of them being my ex-housemate. the noob one i kept telling u about

man legit getting annoyed just thinking about the s*** he did
Edited by Buuberries, Oct 1 2013, 04:40 AM.
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Crazy Awesome Legend

I was hit until I was about 9 I think. I think my parents only stopped because they saw it wasn't doing anything. It's not their fault, they didn't know any other way. It was only ever smacked bottoms. I don't think they ever used a belt.



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TrunksinSwimmingTrunks
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Was torn between trolling here and being slightly serious. Go with slightly serious.

Imo yeh I will always disagree with a lot of things just because I'd say I'd be better off if things were done how a lot of other people do it seeing as other people do seem less held back and happier and when I leave my house for a couple of days and am distance from my parents I feel like a different person altogether like there's another me who normally I just can't be or even know is there.
Said it before I don't really agree with hitting a kid (unless it's like you're training boxing or something....obv) but maybe sometimes it ends up being the only thing you can do if you're not really aware of any options. Imo parents/parents-to-be do need greater education on how to behave around their kids or how to directly treat their kids. If you hit a kid for every little thing and just randomly walk around and and then smack the kid on the head from behind without warning it's not very good imo because it's not going to build a healthy relationship with the kid since whenever you walk behind them they'll always be on guard. Threats like "I'm going to break your legs/face" don't build a good relationship either because it adds to the fear and if the relationship is a fearful one then general the kid's general function around that parent can become inhibited, that parent won't really be someone that the kid can go and talk to, things the parent says/does that are good will maybe get ignored by the kid when possible just because they don't like parent, and the kid will tell lies just to get out of trouble or will be concerned with not getting told off than actually doing what's right and will spend telling-off sessions thinking more about what they need to say/do to end it quickly than listening or whatever. The other thing with physical discipline is that if you're used to being told off for disagreeing and being "rude" it could make it hard to speak up in life in general, but also on the other hand it make you be quite indifferent to other punishments in school or whatever. My expression getting told off in school was generally quite blank or maybe the occasional smile when I realised the teacher was a bit phased by my blank reaction. That said until I was like 13 I was a good kid in school because I liked learning and didn't particularly have any desire to be mean or anything and then there's also parents evening.
Me being fearful of my dad combined with the fact that my dad and mum have hated each other since before I was born basically meant that a lot of the time I stayed away from my mum when there was an argument going on in case I got told off for siding with her, and same thing if I ever got a choice who to go/stay with for something or something like that I'd generally choose my dad even if normally I knew I'd rather be with my mum just in case choosing my mum had repercussions later.
Something else I have an issue with is just that my dad seemed to value sports ahead of academics so was generally always talking about other kids in school or that I knew who did sport (even though I did better than them at everything other than PE or whatever back then) and generally seemed to get on with kids who I didn't like. A lot the time this would lead to me getting told off as well like if I come out of school and don't look strong enough the rest of my day would consist of my dad telling me off and then later not talking to me and then maybe me getting rest when I go to bed and take 2 hours to sleep or me eventually randomly going to apologise to my dad for....idk what.
I'd get told off for not talking too/being "rude" when I was with my dad but tbh what was I gonna talk about? I would know he was gonna tell me off a lot of the time cuz I'd see him looking at me with my peripheral vision, and then he'd look at me again, and then he'd hit me lol, and then the next few hours are probs gonna be sh**.
My dad didn't hate me or anything though obv and I know that, although I thought it for a while when I little.
My mum was alright very rarely gave me a slap and when she did it didn't hurt as much and wasn't as scary as with my dad who would grit his teeth and make a sorta hissing noise and he breathed in sometimes lol (genuinely just laughed at that). Guess she grew up in a household where they all got told off quite badly so that's why she's not violent because one of her 6 siblings has 2 daughters and he never hits either of them even the other day when the older one (aged 10) slapped the younger one (aged 8?) he didn't smack her one which surprised me and made me respect him even more. I sorta assume my dad had a wimpy upbringing but who knows could be wrong just assuming that since the people I knew who grew up fearful aren't violent parents so the violent ones maybe grew up not fearful?
My mum and dad are quite into guilt tripping and stuff. Well whatever cbb with this topic.
Tbh though a lot of my anxiety, some tourettes (altho apparently that's only made worse by stress not actually totally caused by it? Got a fair few smacks for that at the dinner table too) and other stuffffff comes from just growing up in a household where arguments are going on more or less every day leaving you relegated to just watching and hoping it ends soon/nobody takes their anger out on you/nobody accidentally hits me with something while throwing something in rage/bet the neighbours hate us.

Anyway my relationship with my dad is alright he wants to be close and stuff and laments that he imagined when his son grew up they'd be like friends and then I just think "lol k that's how to build a friendship". Occasionally I get a seething hatred for him though whenever we're in a confrontation of any sort but I think he knows that so he's quite calm a lot of the time and stuff....although that kinda annoys me when it comes from him. My relationship with my mum is trash atm but anyway hopefully in a few years it'll be better once I've distanced myself.
Yah.

edit: tldr

edit: I never really got hit with objects tho apart from a few times when I got kicked in the backside or got hit with a shoe or had a shoe thrown at my legs/backside but tbh I normally didn't almost move out the way and one time my mum tried to hit me with a metal pole which was a bit mental imo. Guessing it would hurt to get belted or something on the face idk if anyone here got that. Then again my granddad went back to his home village and got chased away with guns....
Edited by TrunksinSwimmingTrunks, Oct 1 2013, 05:31 PM.
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* Mitas
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It truly was a Shawshank redemption

I probably shouldn't be, but I'm always amazed at how many people near my own age were physically disciplined. It's almost made out that our generation didn't have it as bad as previous generations, but I've heard a lot of stories from people from our generation that debunk that stupid theory.

As for physical discipline, I had it sporadically up until about 11/12. Nothing major, but I do remember it hurting. I guess you can sort of understand the reasoning behind it (although I personally don't think that it's necessary and only breeds a bad atmosphere to be brought up in).

One thing that I hated (which isn't really a discipline, but I was disciplined for not wanting to do it) was when I was forced to go to people's houses that I didn't want to go to. Being forced to go to my Mum's friends if she was visiting, or forced to stay at family member's houses when my Mum needed a babysitter. It's probably immature to think that way because of course she deserved a break, but I genuinely hated it and still when I think back to it I can feel how I felt. It's something that I'll never make my kids do, if I become a parent.
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Mitas
Oct 1 2013, 03:53 PM
Being forced to go to my Mum's friends if she was visiting, or forced to stay at family member's houses when my Mum needed a babysitter. It's probably immature to think that way because of course she deserved a break, but I genuinely hated it and still when I think back to it I can feel how I felt. It's something that I'll never make my kids do, if I become a parent.
Did you have grandparents at the time? I can understand why you felt a bit of dislike for it because no kid wants to stay over someone else's house especially if you don't know them really well, but I honestly don't see why it would be that big of a problem.

Sometimes parents need time to themselves and so I can't really blame your mom for doing something like that. Even if you have kids in a relationship, I think it's still vital that couples make time for themselves because it can get stressful dealing with kids all the time. My parents did that too when I was growing up. Of course, there were plenty of times they took me out with them. However, other times they went out together and I guess that's why their relationship stayed strong.
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I used to feel really badly about the way my dad 'treated' me when I was a teenager. Now, I just feel awful about it because I'll be honest, I put him through hell. Not in the traditional sense - I never much went out drinking (until I was 16), never had sex, didn't get into drugs or anything like that. But online ... I think that part of my teenage years manifested itself and I'm really very ashamed of it. And in some way, my dad knew. He might not have known everything, but I think he sensed it, and it tore him apart. So he was angry a lot with me, and I was angry a lot with him, and I felt like we grew apart and couldn't be around each other. There were other reasons for it as well, but the relationship is since mended, and I'm older now and can see his side of things much more clearly.

He only ever hit me once. I was very young, and I sure as hell didn't do whatever I'd been doing again. That was fine. After he hit me, he apparently swore that he would never, ever do it again.

The difficulty comes from my parents' radically different parenting styles and upbringings. My dad - one of eight kids, raised in a working class environment in Birmingham in the 1970s. My mom - youngest of five, only child by my nana's second husband (my biological granddad), wrapped in cotton wool and kept under the thumb for most of her life for various reasons. Dad's 'get on and do it - if someone gives you trouble, fight them' versus mom's 'it will all be okay, you can always talk to me, I'll always be here if you need to cry'. Dad's realism versus mom's tendency to always see the good in every situation (though over the years, she's become more jaded).

What I just wish I'd had was more of a 'meet in the middle' approach. I grew up terrified of my dad, and being really, really awful to my mom. I'm still scared of my dad. I still argue with my mom (though we get along better now than we used to). I have things in common with them both, and I'm radically different at the same time. And for some reason, I always, always have felt as though nothing I do is ever good enough for my dad, while my mom is super easy to please. But dad's never been the type to shower anyone with praise (at least, not in front of them) ... and I think to mom's mind the positive reinforcement was a 'good' thing.

Now, I'd like to say that I'll be a middle of the road parent myself, but the more I think about it, the more I consider that I'll be so much like my dad because of the way I treat my brother and sister. A lot of what he's said over the years has rubbed off on me. A lot of the ways in which he deals with situations have, too. It's a strange situation because it requires me taking a long, hard look at myself, and when I try to, I'm confused.

But basically ... extreme contrast is not always a good thing.
Oh, look. Another personal blog about writing. Whatever.
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* Mitas
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It truly was a Shawshank redemption

Like I said, I can completely admit that it's an immature way to think :P But I guess I just liked being able to have my room, my belongings, my bed etc and resented the fact that I didn't have a choice in the matter.
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